


Finding What Was Missing

by Nadja_Lee



Category: The Sentinel (TV)
Genre: Angst, BAMF Jim, Captivity, Falling In Love, Fluff, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Military, Murder, POV Jim Ellison, POV: Blair Sandburg, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prisoner of War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-11-03
Updated: 2004-11-03
Packaged: 2021-02-23 01:42:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23003743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: Jim and Blair remember past milestones and now know what they have been missing all those years.
Relationships: Jim Ellison/Blair Sandburg
Kudos: 37





	Finding What Was Missing

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: mentions child abuse, rape and torture, murder/killings, angst and discussion of same-sex marriage (which, since you’re reading a slash fic, you really shouldn’t be against but all the same). None of it is very explicit though. Also a warning for this being an extremely sweet fic in the end. Careful you don’t get a toothache when you read the ending *grins*
> 
> The debate on equal marriage rights is a product of the political climate at the time this story was written. Obviously I was a little pissed and disappointed with how the equal marriage rights fight was progressing in the US. However, it is not meant as an attack on the US or any of its citizens as a whole; only on the belief that segregation based on sexual orientation is correct which I strongly feel it isn’t. 
> 
> Author’s notes: I’m calling Jim’s spirit guide a panther. 
> 
> On another note: Jim’s DOB is in dispute in canon. I picked 1962, which fitted with the episode “Remembrance” where we meet his dad. Also canon can’t decide when Jim joined which departments at Cascade PD so I’ve just written what suited my needs. Finally then all years are estimates but going with “Remembrance” as reference then Jim is 10 years old in 1972 then this means that he meets his dad again in 1997 because his dad says what happened with Bub was 25 years ago and since Jim was 10 when it happened then Jim must be 35 years old when he meets his dad and since as said Jim was 10 in 1972 then this reunion takes place in 1997. All years save Blair’s birth year and year he went to university are estimates as well. 
> 
> And just so we’re clear. I have no idea what the US army does or who they have official or unofficial alliances with. Therefore Jim’s Covert Ops mission is pure fiction of course. I mean no disrespect to any country or group of people; I just got tired of calling the country his mission takes place in for ‘a country far away’. I also know little about how fast one can get promoted in the army or complete ones training for a Ranger but since most fictional books and movies have very young heroes being very highly placed I thought I could do the same. ‘smiles’
> 
> Jim’s torture, except the rape, was inspired by the real life events of a British SAS soldier as reported in the book ‘Bravo Two Zero’. 
> 
> An interesting fact: Most professional armies in the developed world demand their officers have a University degree to become an officer. This means Jim will most likely hold a University degree to have become captain. 
> 
> Also, according to Amnesty International, 2 out of 3 countries in the world use some form of torture (if I recall the numbers correctly). 
> 
> Thanks so much to Nancy who betaed this even though she’s not into the Sentinel fandom. Thanks so much, lov *hugs*

**Jim**

1972-10 th birthday

If he had thought about it he would have imagined his birthday just like he had seen them in the movies or when he had been to a friend’s party. Lots of laughter, friends, balloons, cake…Things like that.

But that hadn’t happened. After his mother had left everything had fallen apart. He tried not to remember too much about how things had been when she had been around for it only made her absence hurt even more. Worse than her leaving was the knowledge that it had been his fault. His dad had told him as much. 

“She left because of you…because you’re not normal!”

His dad had angrily thrown those words at him and they had hurt worse than if his dad had hit him. He had thought his mother had loved him. He had always felt safe with her…she had never yelled at him or been strict with him. He couldn’t remember her having ever said that she loved him but he remembered glimpses of memories that made him believe she did. Once she had given him a hug when she had tucked him in bed. She had smiled at him and kissed his cheek when he had given her a drawing he had made. She had seemed happy around him when he had been younger. Yet when his dad was home it was like her light had dimmed and she had seemed uninterested in anything he did. As time passed she seemed to become more and more distant and was often sad. He remembered several times where he had seen her cry. Determined to make her happy, he would try and cheer her up and do good in school so she didn’t have to worry about him. When he found her sitting in the sofa, staring into blank space, he would tuck a blanket around her. Even Steven’s birth hadn’t rocked her out of her own world. From the day he was born, Jim had done his best to care for his little brother, carrying him around, walking him in his baby carriage and trying to comfort him when he cried, having noticed his mother seemed to flinch at the sound of the baby’s high-pitched sound. He remembered he had heard his mom and dad fight a lot, his dad saying she didn’t do anything. She was at home all day yet still didn’t do anything at all. She couldn’t even take care of the kids. She had cried, as always, and only Jim’s fear of his dad and prevented him from going into his parents’ room to comfort his mom.

Then one day she was simply gone when he returned home from school. Sally, their housekeeper, had had this strange look on her face, filled with sympathy and unshed tears as his dad had told him his mother had left and would never come back and that it was his fault. His dad had furthermore said that he had noticed his oldest son’s talk about having freaky abilities and he was sure it was something he was making up to become interesting. His dad had told him that he shamed him when he at dinner parties said he could hear his brother cry in the upstairs chambers and then ran off to comfort him. Nobody else could hear things like that. Jim recalled that even in his sadness and shock he had thought it strange that his dad had been home so early to tell him of his mom’s leaving. Normally he wasn’t home till late at night.

He hadn’t expected his dad to attend his birthday. He had never done so before but then before his mom had been there. She had tried to smile at his birthdays…She really had. She had had Sally help her decorate the house and had invited his friends over. No one would have noticed the strain pretending to be happy was to her, no one but Jim who always tried to cut his birthdays short for her sake. But now even that was gone. 

Jim hadn’t dared to invite anyone over without his father’s permission and he hadn’t dared to ask him. Since his mother had left five weeks earlier, his dad had avoided him and if he had spoken to Jim it had only been to remind him to suppress his freakish episodes that had been the cause of his mother’s leaving. So Jim sat alone in the kitchen after school, trying to imagine that the table was filled with his friends and that instead of the ticking of the clock he could hear laughter and music. Once he had been good at imagining things but his dad’s words, that he was imagining his senses and that his deception had caused his mom to leave, had killed his ability to make believe. 

Jim heard Sally before she entered the kitchen but he forced himself to pretend he hadn’t, fighting to do as his dad wanted of him. Fighting to appear normal so he didn't ruin anything else. If he kept ignoring his senses he hoped they would go away. They only caused him trouble. 

“We could go see a movie with your brother,” Sally suggested gently as she gave him a quick embrace. 

Jim shook his head, forcing himself not to cry. It was just a stupid birthday, no big deal. 

“No thanks. It’s all right. You need the money for Chloe,” Jim mentioned one of Sally’s children, his sensitive ears having picked up on Sally’s family situation and how she and her husband fought hard to get at least one of their three children through college. Things had turned from hard to almost impossible when Sally’s youngest, Chloe, had become ill and needed expensive medicine to make a full recovery. 

Before Sally could press the issue, Steven ran into the kitchen and smiled at his big brother, hiding his hands behind his back.

“Sally told me it’s your birthday,” the seven-year-old boy said before he handed him a drawing he had been hiding. “Happy birthday, Jimmy.” With that he gave his brother a warm embrace that Jim repaid in kind before he looked at the dawning. It showed Jim surrounded by trees, a big cat beside him and Steven standing in the doorway to a house, smiling towards him. A woman stood outside the house yet isolated, also smiling at him. 

“This is beautiful,” Jim said warmly and Steven practically beamed with pride.

“It’s you.” He pointed to the figure in the forest as Jim had guessed. “You always tell me you like the forest and the cat is also yours for you love cats.” Jim nodded agreement and made a hand movement to indicate he should continue. “And this is me for I like the house.” He pointed to himself. “And this…” he grew silent for a moment and Jim noticed his sad look. “This is mommy.” He pointed to the woman standing alone beside the house, not in a forest or in the house. Jim thought it seemed fitting somehow that she was placed nowhere. 

“Why don’t we go play on the swing? I’ll push you,” Jim offered as he saw Steven was on the edge of tears as he recalled their mom. 

With only a young child’s ability to chase away bad memories, Steven smiled and brightened as he took Jim’s hand, trying to drag him up from his chair and outside.

“Jimmy, don’t you want to open your dad’s present?” Sally motioned towards a large package in pretty bows that stood on the middle of the table. 

Not really wanting to, Jim nevertheless went to the package and read the card. It was a bright blue card and with a fine and delicate handwriting was written:

_ Dear Jimmy, _

_ Congratulations with the ten years. _

_ Love, _

_ Dad _

Jim didn’t need to be told his father had never written the card nor brought the present. He recognized the handwriting as belonging to his dad’s secretary, a woman named Holly, who had brought gifts to his mom, Steven and him for his dad. He remembered as a child he had always loved the cards his dad sent with his presents because they were so sweet compared to how cold he normally was. He had first learned the truth when he had heard his mom tell his dad, one night when they thought he was asleep, that the gifts weren’t from him at all and that one day Steven and Jim would figure that out. That time had been one of the first times he had used his senses and it had only been the beginning of the pain his senses would give him. Since that day he had thrown all his dad’s birthday cards for him in the trash. 

Having read the card, Jim curled it into a ball in his hand and threw it on the table next to the package, a mixture of anger and hurt in his eyes. Somehow the loving cards always felt like mockery to him, like salt to a wound, showing all he would never have. He went to reach for the package, not really interested in it at all but wanting to open it to make Sally feel better, when he felt Steven tug on his hand. 

“Why don’t you open it?” Jim asked his brother and helped him sit on his knees on one of the chairs at the table as he pushed the package towards him. 

Smiling, Steven began to unpack, clearly as excited as if the gift had been his own. The paper was pulled away and Jim saw that Holly had bought five books for him, all classical works and had to smile. The good thing about Holly was that she actually seemed to sense what he liked. Though he played a lot of sports it was more to try and please his dad. What he really loved to do was read. 

“Books. Maybe you can read one to me?” Steven suggested and Jim smiled.

“Maybe. Now, let’s go find that swing.” With that Steven again took Jim’s hand and they left the kitchen, leaving Sally to look sadly after them.

“At least they have each other,” she mumbled as she began to throw away the card and the paper the gift had been in. 

1973- Another Sports Event

Jim hadn’t expected his dad to show up today. He really hadn’t. Yet still he felt a stab of sadness as the game ended and he wasn’t around. Jim had even managed to give his team the winning goal. His dad would have liked that. He winced as he recalled one time his dad and seen him play and his team had lost. His dad had been so mad at him….

When his mom had been around he hadn’t seen his dad much. He was just this cold and distant stranger. He was never really been cruel but he was never warm either. After his mom had left that had changed. He seemed to deliberately search for things Jim did wrong and nothing he did seemed to be good enough. His dad’s temper had also increased and when he got home from work the smallest thing would set him off. He could still feel the warm sting of pain and humiliation when his dad had slapped him in the face for being disrespectful during dinner. Jim didn’t think he had been but he must have been.

What had hurt even more had been the way his dad would talk about how great Steven was doing and all his hopes for him and then just afterwards talk about Jim’s latest grade that hadn’t been his best performance. His dad had begun to reward Steven and himself if they did well but if they did badly, a bad grade or a poor performance in sports…even bad behaviour, he would take away the things he had given them. 

That hurt had been rivalled by a different kind of hurt the times when his dad really lost his temper. Jim recalled a night a few months back where his dad had taken Steven and him to a dinner party. Someone had asked him about his mom and why she wasn’t with them. Jim had told what he remembered, never even considering to lie for he knew how  **that** upset his dad. When they had gotten home, his dad had asked Sally to put Steven to bed and as soon as he was out of the room his open hand had collided with Jim’s cheek, the power of the blow making him fall to the floor. Surprised, shocked and afraid, Jim had tried to crawl away from his enraged dad, puzzled as to what he had done wrong. He had begged his dad to leave him alone but his father’s eyes had seemed almost black with distaste and hate. He told Jim that if he was old enough to make up stories and disgrace him in front of his friends then he was old enough to face the consequences. Jim was confused and didn’t understand what his dad had meant by it and he tried to mumble an apology but his dad had coldly told him an apology wasn’t enough this time. As if in slow motion he had seen his dad pull out his belt from his pants and he had pushed himself back against the wall, not sure what to expect, not noticing that tears were running down his cheeks in fear. 

“Crying is for babies,” his dad had told him and Jim had fought to stop his tears but it seemed like a losing battle as his fear began to make him almost hyperventilate. 

“Stand up,” his father had ordered him and when Jim hadn’t obeyed at once, he had taken a hard grip on Jim’s arm and had hauled him to his feet. 

“Turn around,” he had ordered, his voice so filled with hate it had made Jim shiver. Fighting to at least get this right, he had turned his back on his dad, biting his lip till it bled to keep his terror under control. After that, time had lost its meaning. The first time his dad’s belt bit into his back he had screamed out in pain and had fallen to his knees. 

“What kind of weakling are you? Not only a freak but a coward as well.” His dad’s harsh voice had broken through his pain and tears and Jim had fought himself to his feet. With tears staining his cheeks, he had given his dad a look filled with determination as he had resumed the same position as before, standing with his back turned to his father. This time the pain had been expected and Jim had managed not to fall again. The pain grew intense with the third strike, making his legs threaten to give way under him. Being close to the wall Jim had put his hands on it for support, praying it was enough to keep him upright. His entire world became reduced to getting past this hurt and then the next. Nothing else existed. The next things he became aware of were gentle hands on his shaking arms and Sally’s kind voice as she told him his father had left. Finally allowing himself to fall, Jim collapsed in Sally’s embrace, crying freely as his legs gave way under him.

In the morning, no one had talked about it and Jim had been determined not to fail again, not to be that weak again. There had been several more episodes like it, Sally always being his silent helper and he knew she didn’t like what his dad did but she couldn’t afford to upset his dad, she needed the money she got from the job way too much. Despite his failings, Jim tried hard to do better…always do better. He had little time for friends, always studying for sports or homework so he could become the best. He didn’t like large crowds anyway. Though his senses had disappeared, crowds still made him uneasy. His favourite pastime was going to the forest, finding a quiet spot and reading. There were no rules, regulations or punishments there. Only freedom. 

To his sadness he had seen his and Steven’s relationship fall more and more apart. It was hard not to feel resentment when one got something just because the other failed. They had begun to drift apart.

Jim’s musings at the game were stopped short as he saw Sally and Steven come towards him. Sally had a big smile on her face, ready to congratulate him while Steven seemed quiet and reserved, probably wondering how he could hope to beat Jim’s football victory before their dad asked about their progress in school. Steven’s reserved behaviour put a damper on Jim’s happiness at his victory and when he reached them he felt no pride or joy at having won, only relief that at least, for now, there was no punishment forthcoming. 

1980- High School Graduation

Jim’s dad had promised he would be there to see his son graduate but to Jim’s relief he wasn’t anywhere in sight. 

Finally…finally Jim could see freedom approaching. The last few years had been a race, a constant struggle to try and do good because the punishment for doing bad was always hurtful, no matter if his dad punished him by taking away something he liked or if he was teaching him a lesson with his belt. Jim had become secretly pleased with himself that since that first time he hadn’t cried when his dad hit him. He had learned to read his dad, knowing when punishment was forthcoming. His father barely had to tell him what to do; he knew how the scene would play. From the time he had turned 15 he had shielded away from Sally, tending to his wounds alone. Though his dad almost never asked him to remove his shirt before he hit him, he still hit him hard enough so that almost each stroke of his belt drew blood. He was amazed that the beatings had merely left such tiny scars that only a lover would be able to see and feel them in his flesh.

Jim looked over at the parents’ aisle and saw Sally sitting there, smiling warmly at him and he smiled back. Over the years only she had stayed true to him, becoming a distant, but kind, surrogate mother. He had had very few friends over the years. He had no time and no desire to have friends whom he couldn’t tell anything important to anyway. Even Steven, who he had guarded carefully as a boy, had betrayed him, his fear of their father’s rage and disappointment greater than his sense of loyalty to his brother. Someday, when he was far away from the life he had been forced to live with his dad, he would forgive his brother because he did understand the fear that had made Steven do as he had but right now he couldn’t. Steven’s betrayal hadn’t just hurt him because his dad had punished him instead but had hurt simply because his brother had done that to him. 

He could see his brother sitting with his friends and his girlfriend among the students but when their eyes met all warmth was gone from them. All there was left was rivalry and a hint of sadness that the love they had shared was now gone, killed by their father’s demands and constant competitiveness between his sons. 

Jim knew that Steven was as relieved as he was to leave. Now Steven didn’t have to always compete with Jim, at least not in person. When he had told his brother that he had graduated with honours among the best in his class, Steven had almost winced, and Jim knew he was thinking about how much work he would have to do to try and beat his brother’s record in the hope that their father would have just the slightest kind word to give him. 

Jim’s farewell to Steven was short and to the point. Simply a ‘take care’ and that was all. No embrace, no nothing. Both brothers had long ago realised that they couldn’t afford such affection; it was too painful when betrayal was the inevitable result. His farewell to Sally had been long and heartfelt and he had promised to write her. Without as much as a card for his dad, Jim had left and finally he was free! He swore he would never, ever return to his childhood home. It had been a place of misery and sadness for many years. Growing up he had had a fantasy of his father dying when his dad had been particularly cruel to him or hit him harder than usual or humiliated him in front of others. In his darkest moments he had longed for his father’s death because he thought only this would be able to set him free. Now he was free and if the old man died…He wouldn’t care one bit. Steven could have it all. He didn’t want anything his dad had touched. Having been granted a sport scholarship to a university in another state he had packed up and was gone…finally, finally free! 

1982- 20 th birthday

Moving away from home had been one of best things Jim had ever done. He enjoyed his classes but, more than anything, he enjoyed that there was no punishment here. Despite that though, he was a solitary young man with few acquaintances and no close friends. He studied hard and was often the best in his classes, having little to focus on besides his studies. When his classmates went home during breaks he stayed at the school, reading books in the library, surfing, riding or anything else he could do alone. 

By now he was used to being alone. From time to time he wondered how Steven was doing. His dad had never hated Steven the same way he had seemed to hate him. Steven hadn’t been the cause of their mother leaving and thus Jim thought, hoped, Steven was doing okay, despite it all. 

It had taken years but now Jim realised that his father’s hate towards him hadn’t always been because he had done something wrong. Sometimes it had been because he had made his mom leave and a part of him guessed that this was as much a cause for punishment as when he failed. 

With each passing year his thoughts went to his childhood less and less frequently. It was best just to forget and move on. 

It had been almost five in the afternoon before Jim had realised it was his 20 th birthday. His thoughts briefly went to his tenth birthday and a wave of melancholy overtook him. Determined to pull himself together so he could go back to studying, Jim did a hard workout and then went to get a nice meal in town. On the way home he spotted a book in a bookstore. “The Art Of War” was the title, a classic book he hadn’t read yet. Jim brought it and on impulse asked to have it wrapped. 

When he got home he sat on his bed and in the stillness he toasted himself.

“Happy birthday,” he whispered as he took a sip of the beer he had brought some days earlier before he unwrapped his book. Fighting back memories of all his other birthdays, alone and with gifts bought by Holly in his dad’s name, he began to read his new book. He read the whole book in one sitting and didn’t go to bed before 4 am. A small smile tugged at his lips. It hadn’t been a bad birthday…At least there had been no crying and no one to hurt him. That had to constitute a good birthday in anyone’s book.

1984- Bachelor degree

Jim got his double bachelors degree in foreign affairs and Eastern literature, both with honors summa cum laude . He had also taken classes in history and electronics during his studies but his love had fallen on the subjects in which he had chosen to graduate. 

He could have scored higher and Jim wasn’t pleased with his result, only being second best. Years of competitive behaviour in his childhood had now become a personality trait. Despite all his professors’ kind words he still felt it wasn’t good enough.

All his classmates had made a big deal out of the ceremony where they got their degree. Jim didn’t really see the point. He had no one to show his test scores to and no one sitting in the parents’ aisle. This time Jim barely glanced at that aisle, having grown used to no one being there. This day was only slightly different from any other. He had gone to the ceremony, got his diploma and left, not wishing to stay to see happy and smiling faces kiss and say congratulations. 

For a reason he refused to think about, he got drunk that evening, having the splintering headache the next morning to prove it. 

He had thought long and hard about what to do now and he had decided to join the army. He hoped he could do some good there and if nothing else he knew he and everyone else would always know if he had lived up to the expectations demanded of him. That pleased him, the thought that failure wasn’t an option and that, like always, failure came with a high price. In this case the highest…death. It somehow seemed to make things easier to deal with, to know for sure if he had failed or not and not having to try and guess if people just said nice things to be kind. 

1985- Graduation from U.S. Army Officer Candidate School (OCS)

Jim liked the army. There was order, discipline and a sense of purpose. His dedication and ability to push himself beyond his own limitations quickly made him earn his title as officer. As always there was no family to see him get the honour but his time at the OCS had given him comrades, friends who were now graduating with him. For the first time in a long time Jim felt a kind of belonging, of peace, like it was his destiny to guard, to protect. It felt right. 

Still…it felt lonely, like there should be more than this. Like there should be someone with him. Ignoring that feeling, he had gone with his friends to celebrate, truly smiling for the first time in a long time. 

1987- Medal ceremony

Another ceremony, only this time Jim had hated it more than usual. There had been an accident during a training exercise at the Army Ranger’s course he was taking; their jeep had overturned. Jim had fought to get his five comrades to safety, having smelled gasoline running out of the broken vehicle. With help he had managed to get four out and was going back to the jeep when it suddenly exploded. In Jim’s book this was not a successful mission yet they still pinned a medal on him. Jim had grimaced and gone through with the ceremony, hoping to one day live up the honour he was being given.

Late 1987- Promotion to Captain

Jim smiled at his friends and comrades as he was promoted to captain in the US Army Rangers, looking forward to be given the opportunity to prove himself in battle. Need for officers and an unusual drive and determination had made Jim rise quickly in the ranks. He led a great team, each member held strong and impressive records. He had heard rumours that his team, composed only of Army Rangers, the elite of the elite, would be sent out on a new, covert, mission soon. After several official missions overseas, being a part of many teams sent in to try and restore peace to war zones, he looked forward to trying his team out on more delicate matters. Not that trying to prevent one group of people from killing another or guarding an American embassy in the middle of a country who didn’t quite agree that the USA was the best thing to happen to them since…well, ever and who quite frankly didn’t wish them there, was an easy task. Being stationed in other countries demanded many skills and most of them had little to do with soldiering but a lot to do with learning other languages and cultures as well as observing peoples’ behaviour, being able to figure out if they might pose a threat or not. His experiences had taught him that the most outspoken were rarely the ones who were the greatest threat. 

Still, he looked forth to doing something else; something new. He felt a restlessness even here, a need to search for something, someone, who he somehow knew should be beside him. 

1988- Medal ceremony 

Jim was beginning to hate medal ceremonies. If you survived some horrible ordeal they’d pin a medal on you. Why? Simply for surviving. He hated it. Surviving was in his book not good enough…it was not a measure of success. 

Since he had become captain, his team and he had been send on many covert missions, many of them taking no more than a few weeks, giving them an impressive track record already. They had among other things rescued prisoners who officially had never been captured, taken out enemies that officially they couldn’t touch – among them assassinations which they disguised as accidents, blown up enemy supply storages and interrogated national security prisoners more thoroughly than would have been accepted by article 5 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights…Anything that officially never happened. 

The mission he had been sent on this last time had seemed simple enough. A group of American soldiers had been captured while on a covert mission to Iraq, which officially wasn't an enemy to the US so naturally, officially, the captured men weren’t really there. Jim’s team had been the back up. Their mission was covert as well and if it failed no one would come for them. 

Everything had gone wrong. Their information hadn’t been up to date; the prison the five soldiers had been held in was a lot bigger than they had been told and it was a lot more heavily guarded. Despite this harder resistance, Jim’s men had been as determined as he was to free their fellow brothers in arms. A frontal attack was out of the question so they had spent a week gathering information about the comings and goings of the prison. Not daring to wait any longer due to the health of the prisoners, they had sneaked inside, silently breaking necks and slicing throats as they went. Jim had been sure they were home free when they had smuggled three of the soldiers with them outside, having been told the two others had been killed during interrogation. The three soldiers had been tortured and beaten and Jim’s team had had to carry them out. Suddenly outside the prison the dark night had turned bright as day as they had been caught in a projector’s spotlight. Jim had ordered his men to leave and take the hostages to safety while he provided cover. Two of his men provided covering fire with him as the others helped the wounded away. Jim had caught a bullet to the leg and Tom, one of the two men who had laid down cover fire with him, had taken a shot to the shoulder. Miguel, the man on his team who had been his closest friend had been stubborn and had refused to leave Jim at the hands of the enemy, clearly remembering the broken bodies of the hostages they had just saved. His valour and loyalty had granted him a free stay at an Iraqi prison and nothing else, making Jim feel immensely guilty, knowing his friend had to go through hell simply because he had cared too much to leave him behind but had stubbornly tried to carry Jim away and to safety. 

The next three weeks had been hell as Tom, Miguel and Jim had been captured and interrogated using all the rules in the book. In the end there was no part of Jim’s body that didn’t hurt and his first words whenever something as much as brushed past his skin were his name, rank and serial number. There had been the usual beatings that he had expected, then tales about how his government had abandoned him and wouldn’t come for him. He had snorted a bit at that; he had known that one before he had even attacked the prison. One of his tormentors had been very fond of electricity, making Jim fear he would never be able to go near electric cables ever again without shivering in fear. 

Four ordeals had been burned into his memory with agonizing cruelty. One was being forced to watch as Miguel had been beaten, humiliated and raped, his eyes locking with Jim’s, asking him to be strong for him and Jim had fought to remain silent, not to voice a word of his hate or his distress. The second had been when one of his tormentor’s had pulled out one of his teeth with a pair of tongs without anaesthesia. The pain had been so intense he had passed out. Never again would he complain about going to the dentist. The third had been when the same man who had taught that pulling out teeth was fun had pulled out one of his nails on his right foot. Such a seemly little thing but it had hurt like all hell, making him scream so loud, the entire prison could hear him. He had been so close to giving the man any information he might want, from the President’s schedule to his grandma’s bank account…If he had had a grandma. The forth ordeal had happened in the middle of the night. He had been blindfolded and taken to a room where he felt a sharp pain as a cold and large object had been forced into him, making blood run down his legs as tears stained his cheeks and screams of pain left his month. The humiliation of the rape had been worse than the pain yet a part of him had been relieved that unlike Miguel it had been an object and not a person. He never did see who had done it, no one had ever spoken to him during his ordeal and he had never seen the object and he knew it had been on purpose so his nightmares could intensify his fear. 

The only thing that kept them all going had been when the three men had been allowed to stay in a cell together at night. They had all known it was only to insure they felt empathy for each other so their captors could play them out against each other but those hours of comfort were worth anything. Jim had been relieved to find that their captors had patched Tom up though it had only been so they could beat him up again and not have him bleed to death before they could force some answers from him. Jim had never held another man’s hand before unless he was dying in his embrace but those cold nights he did. There were no words, no hesitation, their three pair of hands had intertwined and offered the only comfort and protection they could. 

Pure luck helped them when a local rebel attack on the prison offered the best opportunity for them to escape as they’d ever get. The three men were weakly walking towards freedom when Miguel had been shot in the back, dying in Jim’s arms. Never had Jim felt so robbed, so sure that there was no God. Miguel had survived the horror of capture, torture, rape and humiliation only to die now, by a runaway shot fired between their former tormentors and the local rebel group. Unable to carry his body with him Jim had had to bury Miguel in a grave far from home, putting a stick in the ground as only evidence, clutching his dog tags in his hands. 

Finally Tom and he had managed to come back to friendly territory and for that they had both been given medals. 

Their eyes locked during the ceremony, the same dead look…the same terrible secrets shared. They had survived in body but a lot had died in that prison so far from home. 

1988 - Graveyard visits

Things had never been the same again. It was like the world had stopped while he was moving or the other way around. Jim no longer felt like he belonged. He felt like he should have died with Miguel in that far away land. 

To Jim’s relief many of his memories of his torture and capture were a blur. From time to time he, like Tom, would have terrible nightmares or he would have a flashback or a panic attack, thinking he was back in that damp cell but his repression abilities served him well and spared him from the worst of the emotional pain of his torture. If he didn’t think about it, it hadn’t happen. That had become his mantra. 

Tom and he had grown to have a relationship as close as brothers. They shared a secret no one could possibly understand. They had been through hell and only they could understand that while they still breathed they were dead inside all the same.

They fought so hard to forget, ready to accept one dangerous mission after another, the guilt of being alive while Miguel laid dead in an unmarked grave tearing them up inside. 

Today they had gone together to say farewell to the empty grave of their fallen friend that lay on American soil. Without having discussed it, they both took off the medal they had received for getting out alive and placed it on Miguel’s headstone. Then, standing at attention in their dress uniforms, they saluted the grave before they walked away in silence, the rain pouring down. 

Late 1989 – Cover article

Near the end of the year Jim was finally back in the States. Everything inside him seemed tired and dead. He had lost Tom and the rest of his men when his chopper had crashed in Peru. He had been wounded in the crash but not severely and had buried his friends. Three, including Tom, survived a few days before he had to bury them as well. 

His days living with the Chopec Indians had been the first time in years, actually the first time ever, when he had felt a sense of peace. Life had been simple with the tribe even as he fought to fulfil the mission he had been sent out to do. His senses had come online but with the guidance of the Shaman of the tribe he learned to master them as well as their customs and language. He felt as if everything was almost as it was meant to be but only almost. 

Again someone had made a big deal out of the simple fact that he had survived. His face had been on several magazines in the States and, after some months of debriefing, he had been allowed back into civilisation where he once again repressed his senses along with most of his memories from his months in Peru. After being in the jungle for so long he was still not used to the comforts of the modern world and still slept on a blanket on the floor next to his bed. 

He felt a deep sense of loss and displacement over Tom’s death. Officially they had never been captured for they had never been on any mission. Tom had been the last to have some kind of idea what Jim had been through without him having to relive the terrible memories by explaining it. He had understood Jim’s strange behaviour from his intense obsession with cleaning everything to his sometimes seemingly groundless fits of rage. During their capture any sign of emotions had to be repressed or it would be used against them. Sometimes they would both explode one way or another over something and between them there was never any need for apologies…never a need to humiliate themselves for each other by explaining what exactly had set them off. They had both lived through hell, maybe not exactly the same hell but very close to it. They understood…they had been the only one who could.

Now he was gone and Jim was totally alone again. The army didn’t feel like home anymore, nor did the city but it was all he had. 

Early 1990 - Medal ceremony

Another medal for surviving while his comrades lay dead in Peru…This time with very few comrades to see him get it, only those he had met briefly for all the ones he had been close to had died…like a part of him had died. 

The entire ceremony had been a blur and afterwards he didn’t even remember it but he must have said the right things, thanked the army and all that, for the General who had been there had looked pleased. 

He lived in a hotel room while he tried to figure out what to do with his now shattered life. On his way home he gave the medal he had just gotten to a homeless man, telling him to get some money for it and buy something to eat, not wishing to be reminded of how he had failed to protect his men.

Early 1990- Honourable discharge from the army

A few weeks after the medal ceremony, he received a letter telling him that he had been given a honourable discharge from the army. It was strange to see an ending to something that had been such a big part of him for so long. When he had joined he had thought he would stay an army man forever, not just in spirit but in deed as well.

He had thought he would feel more, seeing his military life end, written out black on white but he just felt numb, his emotions dead. Sitting alone in the dark of his hotel room, he drank the last of his whiskey and went to bed.

Early 1990 - Graveyard visits

Walking alone through the cemetery Jim wore his Captain’s uniform one last time, wearing the medals and honours he had felt good enough about to keep. Taking time to stop at every grave whose name he knew he saluted each fallen comrade. 

Afterwards Jim returned to the loft he had bought in Cascade. As so often in Cascade it was raining but the weather suited Jim’s moods. He had forgotten that he had lost so many friends as the names on the graves reminded him that he had. When he reached the stillness of his apartment he neatly folded his uniform and put it away, closing that chapter of his life. A part of him was sad that he hadn’t even been able to cry for his fallen comrades…that he hadn’t felt more. Just this intense…emptiness that he was beginning to doubt he would ever be rid of.

1991- Graduation from the police academy

The whole affair felt like a remake of his high school graduation with kisses and congratulations to everyone but him. Again he had no one but by now he didn’t even notice. He had graduated at the top of his class; the basic self-defence and weapons classes were child’s play for a trained soldier. His main problem had been to fight without killing his opponent. He had been trained to kill but also as a medic. However, when in combat it was the soldier, the killer, who had control, and he now had to fight himself to not kill his opponent but subdue him with minimum force. 

Well, at least he would be doing some good now. Though he still felt out of place, he had gotten more used to being back in civilisation and though the army was no longer home, he still felt a need to guard and protect. This should at least fulfil one of his needs. 

1992- 30 th birthday

Jim forced a smile as he raised his glass to his co-workers. 

He had spent the night with his fellow officers in a bar and it had been a fine evening, just not what he would have chosen for himself. Still, it was a nice thought, especially considering he didn’t really have any close friends in Vice. He had gone from Narcotics to Vice because he and his captain had had some issues. Or to be frank Jim hadn’t bothered to be polite or political. Life held little meaning for him and he saw no reason to beat around the bush. In short he didn’t care about anything except getting the bad guy, not considering anything but the mission just like he had been taught in Covert Ops. Thus he had been thrown over to Vice when his captain couldn’t keep him under control. Whatever. He didn’t really care, just as long as he did some good. 

When he went home that night it was past 2 in the morning and he knew he should feel it had been a good day…Still he felt something was missing. Something still wasn’t right.

1993- Promotion to Detective in Major Crime

For the first time in a long time Jim began to feel alive again. His new captain was, quite literally, pushing life back into him, forcing him to pay attention. Forcing him out of his solitary life. Forcing him to care and consider what he was doing, thinking about more than his goal but also how he got there. He had a new partner he began to care for, the first person he had cared for since Tom. Life seemed to be looking up.

1994- Wedding to Carolyn

After a courtship of only six months Jim had married Carolyn. He felt like a drowning man who had just found land. After many years of not caring about anyone at all he had suddenly let quite a few people in behind his walls. Some he had already mourned as fellow cops died in the line of duty but he fought to hang on. Maybe he could regain all he felt he had lost…Maybe he could finally have a normal life. Maybe this was what he had been missing.

Late 1995- Divorce from Carolyn

There went his hopes of normalcy and family. Despite his attempts to open up there were so many things from his past he couldn’t tell Carolyn and she had been unable to wait for him. Patience had never been her greatest virtue. 

When the devoice was final Jim allowed himself to get drunk, more sad to see the dream Carolyn had represented leave than herself. He wondered if he had ever really loved her or if it had always only been a dream. 

1996- Meeting Blair

Jim had never believed in destiny before but he did now. The emptiness he had felt within seemed to melt away with just a smile from his new youthful friend. 

Never had anyone broken through Jim’s walls so fast…Never had he loved anyone on first sight. The thought had scared him for he knew how people he loved tended to leave him, willingly or not, but he couldn’t let go now.

Just being near Blair calmed his reactive senses and soothed his heart. He felt at home now. Like he had finally found the one person who would make his life complete. 

Unsure of what to do with such strong emotions, Jim had let things proceed on their own, letting Blair move in with him and deepen their friendship little by little. 

1997- Cop Of the Year Award

For the first time Jim felt real pride over an award…for the first time there was someone to congratulate him and smile warmly at him, no bitterness in their eyes.

Being around so many people, something he still disliked had been worth it to be near Blair. With time, Jim’s love for him had only grown. It was more than the love of a brother or for a lover, something they weren’t and Jim thought they might never be. It was this soul-binding feeling of completion. Like finding the other part of yourself. Complete, at ease…calm. Something was missing still, a small thing but still missing. While Jim searched to find out what it was he simply enjoyed this moment, this feeling of joy.

1997- Graveyard visits

Jim wasn’t sure why he had taken Blair with him to visit graves he hadn’t seen in years but it had seemed the right thing to do. Blair hadn’t pressed him to speak but had been a pillar of support and strength. It had been nice but had still felt incomplete.

Jim hadn’t said anything about the men in the graves and his eyes had remained dry, as had his heart, feeling again that something was missing for him to be able to feel complete. Something that was within reach, he just had to find it and grab it, never letting go. 

1997- Family Reunion 

After so many years of silence it was more than a bit strange to have cases force him into contact with both his brother and father again.

Seeing Steven again turn out to be a good thing. Finally freed from their father’s tendency to always make them compete for anything they had slowly rediscovered the close bond they had had before their mother had left. Both brothers apologised for the hurtful things they had said or done in the past. Both had found that they had quite a lot of anger still left within towards their father. Once again the brothers were united in that anger and in the silent sharing of childhood pains and experiences. Slowly they began to build a relationship of brothers, silently mourning all the years they had lost due to their father’s coldness.

Seeing his dad again had been unexpected. He had never wanted to return unless it was to see him dead and even then it had been negotiable. However, years did cool both anger and hurt and memories, which had been so painful to touch, had been pushed away. Though still cold, Jim had found an old man instead of the larger than life father he had remembered. Damn it if his father’s fragile appearance hadn’t put a damper on his hate. Unable to move on, he had nevertheless forgiven his father and had sealed that part of his life, speaking no more with his dad than a casual acquaintance and that was only because Blair thought it was sad for his old man to be all alone and because Jim got the feeling time might be running out. Ever the same, he felt no love anymore for his dad. A sense of sadness that he had driven everyone away and anger, that his harsh schooling had almost made his sons do the same, but no love. Hell, a part of him still hated him for ruining Steven and his relationship even if he had forgiven him. 

What annoyed him more than anything though was that his dad simply wouldn’t say what had really happened to his mom. Now, thinking back, his mind knew she hadn’t left because of him. Hell, she had always sought his company if she sought anyone’s company at all. He had this fear that she might have killed herself as his adult mind recognized a deep depression from the shattered memories of her he had left. He had also wondered if maybe his mother had had heightened senses for her to shield away from humans and loud noises but then that was also signs of a normal depression so it wasn’t necessarily the case. He hadn’t asked his dad directly if his mom was dead, not sure if he wanted to know. He wasn’t even sure which answer he would like to hear; that his mom was dead or that she had abandoned him. Remembering how his mom had faded away, he knew that if his mother should have had any chance of surviving she would need to get away from his father. A part of him hoped that was what had happened; she had finally found the freedom he had found when he had turned 18. Still, a part of him, the child inside, was hurt and angry with her for leaving, no matter the reason.

In the end Jim thought both meetings had done him good. He had rediscovered his brother and now had the opportunity to get to know him better, which he fully intended to, hoping to make up for so many years apart. He found that the more he was with Steven the stronger his protective feelings towards him got, like a big brother syndrome that had been bottled up for too many years. On his father though it was more like a sense of closure than anything else. His dad would have to be dying and yelling for help before he would spend one holiday with him. Just the one phone call they had every month was enough to assure Jim that any more contact would be a mistake. His dad still thought he could run his life and made it quite clear he disapproved of Blair living with him. Jim just knew that if he spent more time with his dad he’d end up losing his temper and yelling at him, probably also telling him precisely what his way of raising kids had done to his brother and him. Only his concern for an old man’s health and peace of mind had kept him silent but if he were pushed he wouldn’t hesitate to let him know that he had never met anyone who had ever loved his dad. He was sure his mom had tried as had Steven and him but there simply wasn’t enough good to love, even for a child who had been born to love its parents. 

Finally, after seeing his dad through a grown-up’s eyes, Jim could let go of the guilt he had been carrying around for being unable to love his father, accepting that sometimes liking or simply tolerating would have to do. 

1998- Cop Of the Year Award

Jim had finally seen what had been missing. All the love he had, all of what he was, he wanted it all to be Blair’s. Taking their relationship to the final stage, from a soft kiss to sweet lovemaking, had been what had been lacking for the circle to be completed. 

He had never believed in labels. He had never been in love with a man before but this wasn’t the same thing. Blair was the other part of his soul. There was no need for names or labels…No need to fear anymore. 

Never had anything felt so right than to be able to give Blair’s hand a warm squeeze when he went to accept his award, knowing that the award was as much Blair’s as it was his own. Never had he felt prouder than when Blair looked at him with such warmth and devotion in his eyes…It had made everything worthwhile. All his years of searching…his past, his losses…Everything at all.

1998- Graveyard visits

With an arm around Blair’s waist Jim had visited grave after grave, talking about each and every one. To Jim’s surprise and pride the two medals Tom and him had laid on top of Miguel’s headstone were still there. In fact someone had put a bond through them and tied them securely to his headstone. The gesture made Jim proud of the integrity and compassion of his fellow soldiers.

For the first time ever he found himself opening up and explaining what had happened to him…as a child, in the army…He didn’t tell everything but Blair was intelligent enough to put the pieces together. In time, he knew, he would heal under Blair’s tender and loving care. 

This time a single tear did escape Jim’s eyes and to his joy Blair never said anything about it, knowing Jim preferred it that way.

2006- Wedding to Blair

After so many debates, so much waiting, finally Jim’s dream was able to come true.

Jim had had to fight his bitterness when he had seen a majority of the population in his beloved country, the land of freedom and tolerance, do their best to degrade an entire group of people into becoming second-class citizens. Granted, unlike many human rights advocates and academics throughout his nation, it was a group of people he personality hadn’t thought about before but that didn’t mean he would ever be a willing part in seeing them mistreated. Blair had been just as upset though he had said it wasn’t unusual behaviour. Humans always feared what they didn’t understand and the need to find a common enemy, a minority group to oppress so the majority could feel stronger, had always existed. Before it had been based on skin colour, today it was based on sexuality. 

Blair’s reasoning hadn’t calmed Jim at all. He had bled for his country, killed for it, almost died for it and they degraded him and his love for Blair by forbidding him to marry the one person he loved more than life itself. He wanted to have that bond of eternal fidelity and commitment with Blair. How in the world could that be wrong? Jim recalled that he had debated it with Blair with dry humour and had said that if nothing else, same-sex marriages would be the solution to one of the greatest problems in the world; overpopulation. With that in mind the government should almost pay same-sex couples when they chose to marry. Not to mention the risk of spreading illnesses would be reduced to almost nothing if people were allowed to keep the same partner, which would then save on hospitals. Even seen as coldly as only a machine could, same-sex marriages would save the government money and would thus be a good idea. 

All joking aside, Jim had been furious for a long time. His years as a military man seemed to mock him; all his sacrifices seemed pointless. It felt as if all his blood, sweat and tears didn’t mean anything when despite all his sacrifices he still couldn’t marry the one he wanted to marry. Ironically he recalled from his history lessons that during the Vietnam Conflict if a man could convince the US army that he was gay he could avoid the draft and thus turning discrimination into something potentially life-saving. Maybe what annoyed him most in all this was that he knew had he lived in that time and had been in the army then he would have gone anyway, no matter what he might have felt about it. Upon returning he’ll probably have challenged what was going on but he would still have gone where he was ordered to. Even today if he while in the army had expressed his love for Blair he would be out faster than a speeding bullet no matter how many medals or honours he had received. 

His knowledge of history came back to haunt him as he recalled that the Nazis during WW2 had not only thought Jews but also coloured and homosexuals were lesser people…Just as a majority for years in his own nation had done and some still did. The leading majority in the nation that had saved Europe from the Nazis during one of the bloodiest wars ever, shared some of their enemy’s viewpoints. That realisation was unsettling to say the least.

Seeing that the discrimination unfortunately wouldn’t be stopped in his lifetime, Jim and Blair had married on Hawaii. Though the marriage wasn’t legally recognized the island and its people was friendly and tolerant towards their union. This small paradise island of freedom and tolerance had given Jim back his hope for his country as  **the** nation of freedom and tolerance. 

Even in his happiness with Blair, finally feeling complete, feeling loved and at home, Jim still regretted that he most likely would not live to see the day where his marriage to the man he loved would be recognized nationwide…a day where they no longer had to guard their show of affections in public and be careful about who they came out to; especially at the station. 

**Blair**

1979-10 th birthday

Blair knew that birthdays were just that…days. There was no need to celebrate them on that exact day or to do it the way his classmates did. A trip to a Hindu temple was a great gift from his mom. He was sure it would be fascinating…and silent…Did he mention silent?

It would be lonely of course but he was used to that. He loved his mom, very much so, but sometimes, only sometimes, he wished she would be like other moms. Sometimes he wished they would stay in a town longer than a year, and a year was his mom’s maximum limit before she had to move on. He wished his mom wouldn’t keep dating a new man every sixth months or so. He wished he didn’t have to change schools several times a year. It wasn’t just those things that put her aside. She was a single parent, a beautiful woman and a flower child with great dislike for authority figures. It didn’t help matters that they were also Jewish. His mom was very open-minded so he had been to Christmas parties and the like but he had never held any at home and a part of him would really have liked that. It always seemed so nice in the movies. Of course he lacked a dad to complete the image. Every time his mom found a man Blair liked and thought could be his new daddy they would leave. 

Sometimes he felt like he was being torn in two. At school they wanted him to follow rules and at home his mom explained how the establishment and the schools were trying to keep the people down and that rules were made to be broken. 

Being different was always hard. Being as different as Blair had always been had demanded he sought his own company at a very early age. One would have thought all the teasing and bullying would have turned him into a jaded child but it hadn’t happened. Blair simply retreated into his own mind, somehow knowing that one day he would have someone, the other part of his soul, with him always, to care for him and protect him as he would do for he or she as well, his mother’s teachings insuring he was open to the idea of love appearing in any gender. 

1985- High School Graduation

16 years old and Blair was graduating from a high school whose name he didn’t recall. His mom and he hadn’t been in town long enough for the name to stick. His mom was smiling proudly at him as he got his degree and he smiled back. 

Moving around a lot and being so different from other families, Blair had been a solitary child who had learned to tend to his own needs. His mom had respected him as an individual even as a child and had expected him to understand her boundaries and her need for being alone at times. For Blair who was a very energetic child, it could be hard to be silent for so many hours when she meditated or whatever else she would do alone and in silence so he had found ways to keep himself occupied. He had read a lot and played lots of fantasy games in his head, imagining he had a dad, a home and maybe that he had had a Christmas party or two. Not that he wasn’t Jewish in his beliefs but like his mom he was open to celebrating any religious festival, from Christian ones to Muslim or Hindu celebrations. His imagination was seemingly boundless and over the years he would sometimes spin tales to people at school, in hopes they would stay with him a bit longer. 

His many hours spent learning had insured him he could graduate from high school two years earlier than anyone else. He had already been accepted into a university and would be going there for the fall semester. He had early on been used to being alone when his mom had to work and, though he hated to see her go, he would never tie his restless mom down by asking her to stay. 

Thinking back, Blair could say he had had a great childhood. His mom was wonderful. She had never put any boundaries on him and she had never punished him. If he did something that hurt others she just asked him if he thought he had done good and so forth until Blair had seen the error of his ways. Still, if he was forced to rethink the question he didn’t know what to reply. He had been alone a lot. Isolated. Most of his mother’s boyfriends had been all right and truth be told he rarely saw many of them or his mom. They wanted his mom and not a child so… But there had been a few, which he hadn’t liked. One had clearly disliked him with a passion that had surprised him. He had always talked down to him and found something wrong with everything he had done. When he had slapped Blair in the face for arguing back to him like his mom had taught him he should do if he disagreed, his mother had gotten rid of him and they had moved to a new city.

Blair’s feelings of isolation had reached a high point when he was 13 and he had almost overdosed; the first and, he had vowed, last time he had ever tried drugs. He had been asked if he had tried to kill himself and to tell the truth he hadn’t been sure. He had felt so alone, with his mom working, no friends…No one at all. Thus from then on his mom had had to work even harder because she wanted him to go to counselling which was expensive. It had helped a lot. Instead of talking to friends or family members he had talked to different psychologists about how he felt, why he tended to make up stories that weren’t true, about his isolation, loneliness and longing to belong that, with time had lessened when he had accepted that wasn’t how things were meant to be. 

1989- Bachelor degree

Blair had minored in history and psychology, having studied anthropology and archaeology on the side. His many therapy lessons that he still went to once in a while had got him interested in psychology. The sessions had helped him a lot and he had never touched drugs since his ordeal though he still fought with various issues like fear of attachment and panic attacks. 

He decided to major in anthropology, which fascinated him the most. His mom had been in town a few weeks earlier and they had celebrated his degree then instead of today where he actually got it. He had claimed it didn’t matter. It was just a date put forth by the university or the establishment as his mom called it. All the same he felt a stab of loneliness when he found no familiar face in the parents’ aisle. 

However, when his fellow students came to congratulate him he pushed his feelings away. Finally, here at campus, he had found people who he felt he could talk to. People who respected him and people he could be friends with. He felt at home here but he still felt as if something was missing and somehow he knew it wasn’t his mother’s presence at the ceremony. 

1989- 20 th birthday

Blair spent his birthday with a few friends from campus, talking about the latest news in anthropology, psychology and archaeology. It was a nice and relaxed evening but he still felt like something was missing. He had his current girlfriend with him who he had been dating for six weeks but he could already tell he would leave her in four weeks, tops. He briefly wondered if the emptiness he felt within would ever be filled, if he would ever find a person who he would wish to stay with forever. So far it didn’t seem so. 

The evening ended on a nice and pleasant if somehow empty note. 

1991- Master degree

Again no mother among the parents but this time she had promised she would drop by in a month or so to celebrate with him. It still hurt that she wasn’t there but not as much as it had before. His friends again surrounded him and congratulated him but in the midst of smiling faces and congratulations he still felt alone and his smile didn’t reach his eyes. There had to be more out there…There had to be someone out there who would ease his heart and capture his soul. There had to be…didn’t there?

1996- Meeting Jim

Meeting Jim had been a Holy Grail times two. First of all he had finally, after searching for so many years, found a Sentinel on which he could base his doctorate after having taught classes and published theoretical papers while he had waited for this discovery. Secondly he had felt the connection between Jim and himself as soon as he had seen him. There was no doubt in his mind; this was the other part of him, the other part of his soul. Together they were complete, like Yin and Yang, and apart they were both lost.

Trouble was, now what he should do about it? He had decided to take things slow. Whatever kind of relationship he was meant to have with Jim, if they were truly soul mates, then it would simply happen on its own. 

So far things looked promising as he moved in with Jim and their relationship deepened. Whatever else that had to happen would happen. He had faith in his destiny. 

1999- 30 th birthday

Without a doubt this was his best birthday yet. Lots of friends, lot of balloons…lots of cake. It was like the normal birthday party he had never had. It was wonderful.

Jim had arranged the exaggerated party for him and he had found that he wasn’t the only one who hadn’t had a normal birthday. Jim hadn’t either and giving it to Blair had made Jim as happy as if having the party himself. Jim had planned it for weeks, obsessed with getting every little detail right and it had been a great day.

They had been through some hard times since meeting but their love had seen them though. They had both been fighting old ghosts, old hurts and old fears. It was hard to let go of the past and believe completely that after so many years of loneliness finally happiness was within reach. But, as Blair had believed, what was destined to stay together could never be broken apart, not even by their own fears and doubts…or by death as Jim had demonstrated when he had brought his Guide back from the dead. 

After the accidental unveiling of Blair’s Sentinel dissertation, Blair had changed universities and was now working on his doctorate based on police societies. He had gathered enough material that he had almost wrapped it up already. He had declined the offer to become a cop; he loved his job and the academic world too much to let it go. However, Simon had promised him full observer status, with pay, after he got his degree and that sounded very promising to him. Life had thrown some obstacles in their way but neither of them was giving up; they had survived this as well and had come out of it all the stronger. 

The most important change in his life had come when Jim and he had become lovers. One night it had just felt right for their lips to meet and suddenly they had gone from friends to lovers with no hard time adjusting. Finally, Blair had felt at home and at peace. He had found the home he had always longed for, the stability he wanted. The pain of his childhood and the isolation he had felt was slowly melting away when he was held in Jim’s warm embrace. 

He had found the love he had always dreamt of. His life was good…better than he had ever dared hope for. 

2000- Ph.D. in Anthropology 

No mom but Blair didn’t care. Standing in the parents’ aisle stood Jim and some of their friends. Jim’s proud smile drowned out everyone else and Blair wished he could throw his arms around his lover and kiss him right there and then. Instead he gave him a quick embrace. He had never felt happier. His years long dream to get a Ph.D. had finally come to pass and not just that. His childhood dream of finding a place to belong had come true as well. Jim was his soul mate, his Blessed Protector, his Sentinel, his lover and his friend…He made everything seem right and bright. 

2006- Wedding to Jim

Though the academic part of Blair found the discriminating and intolerant views some voiced in regard to same-sex marriages fascinating, his personal code of honour and faith in freedom and liberty merely found it extremely sad. As the greatest and most powerful nation in the world he felt his country had an obligation to be a good example for other countries. He had to admit that he did expect more from his own nation than he did of others because of its power and strength. With a history of murdering Native American children by letting horses step on them so the American army could save on bullets and of slavery which though not in law but in practice had existed up until the 1960s, it could at times be hard to find the bright spots. Even today, with so much enlightenment and after the human rights movement of the 1960s, there was still discrimination and hate. 

Discrimination of colour or religion was still common but discrimination based on sexuality seemed many people’s chosen minority group when they needed someone to hate. The advocates for equal rights between sexual orientation were often silenced in the media and their fight ridiculed. To an anthropologist it was interesting to see a country repeat it’s own mistakes even before yesterday’s mistakes were all corrected. Less than 40 years ago it was by law forbidden for a coloured and a white to marry and now they wanted to make it illegal for two people of the same sex to marry. Blair was amazed that people could even stand up and say such discriminating views without acknowledging that they were exactly the same views as the ones expressed by the Nazis during WW2, the KKK or millions of similar people in many different organizations and countries all over the world – the only change was the subculture and minority group their hate was directed at. 

Unlike Jim though, he still had hope that the people on their side, still a minority themselves, would be able to make the nation as a whole come around, having a brighter view on life in general than his lover did. His country had done many great things. For one thing hadn’t the human rights movement started here? The fight to free the slaves had been initiated by the rulers of that time themselves; something that was truly rare as most regimes held on to power so tightly only a revolution could change it. And the anti-war movements during the Vietnam War, or ‘conflict’ as they insisted on calling it, had started at home first before moving abroad. He should know; his mom had been a part of the latter. There were people here with heart and courage and a will to make this country better for all, regardless of race, religion, age, status, gender or sexuality. He truly believed that one day soon the changes he wished to see would come to pass; he had faith in his fellow man.

And while he waited for those changes to come he meditated to find his centre and sense of peace, accepted that this could take some time and went to Hawaii with Jim. They had the most beautiful ceremony where instead of exchanging rings Jim gave him a bracelet with a panther so Jim would always be with him and Blair gave Jim a leather necklace with a wolf cut in green jade so he would always be with Jim. 

Never had he been happier. His search was over. He had found what he was looking for. Everything he had been through had been worth it to give him this moment of total peace, joy and happiness. Whatever the future might throw at him he knew it would be worth it to have had this moment, this feeling of utter completion and happiness. A smile and a kiss from Jim told him that he wasn’t the only one who felt that way.

Blair smiled as Jim stood behind him, closing his arms around his waist and Blair leaned back against his lover’s broad chest. They looked out as the sun set over the ocean, colouring everything orange and red. It was beautiful. Just like this moment between them. This love. 

More than anything else then they both felt that this was perfect and everything they had always hoped to find. This was what had been missing all along. 

_ The End _


End file.
